FRANKENSTEIN’S ARMY

The journal of Dr Frankenstein falls into the hands of the Nazis. Cue plenty of stitched together zombie soldiers marching round the place for a right old bloodbath. Enough said.

IN FEAR

A couple gets lost in some proper scary woods. Driving in circles, they discover there’s something horrible outside. Let’s hope the petrol does not run out before daylight. SPOILER ALERT: it does.

The Ray Mears of zombieland,

Sean T. Page, explains how to hold your own should the undead unleash hell

STEP 1

Get yourself educated

If Brad Pitt has taught us anything, it is that zombies are best explained by cold, hard science. The zombic conditionis caused by an RNA virus, which is spread through an exchange of bodily fluids such as blood. When a human becomes infected, they have between four and 24 hours before they are transformed into a ravenous cannibal.

STEP 2

LearnTiow to take a zombie down

The most important thing you need to know about zombies is how to take them out. Forget a stake through the heart or a sprinkling of holy water -the only way to stop one of these creatures is to destroy at least 80 per cent of the brain. So dust off your trusty cricket bat, or copy of the Yellow Pages, and bash and smash your way through the undead.

STEP 3

Be ready or be dead

Once you know the chaos is coming, it is time to get yourself organised. Think home fortification and defence. You’ll need a 90-day survival plan covering everything from food stocks and getting double-glazing to alternative routes home from work. This will work equally well in the event of an alien invasion.

STEP 4

Pack a bug-out bag

Create an emergency bug-out bag so if youre caught away from home or at work, you dont become an easy meat snack for the roving hordes. Your bug-out bag should be a small backpack with the essentials to survive for 24 to 48 hours.

Do include a weapon such as an ice pick – do not include Mr Snuffles, your pet rabbit.

SEEP 5

Create a team of survivors

A tried and tested team of survivors is a brilliant

way to survive a zombie apocalypse, but you need mates you can trust and who have the skills to pay the bills. Make friends with a medic, a former member of the SAS, and a model -re-population may be reguired.

STEP 7

Get maud start training

A healthy fear and paranoia about the zombie threat is the perfect excuse to get fit.

Start training immediately, as the elderly and/or obese will become the first victims of the hungry dead as they cough and wheeze their way to being feasted upon. Without preparation and training, your chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse are less than 0.005 per cent. Fact.

STEP 8

Becoming a zombie survivalist

Youre going to need to toughen up to survive in a world dominated by zombies and other desperate survivors, so start acting the part. Transform your personality into a cross between Clint Eastwood and Mad Max. Practise being the strong, silent type, act as if youve been through something, and when someone asks whats wrong, use short answers.

SIEP 6

Start a personal zombie warning system

You will not get a letter from the council telling you undead are rising, so set aside at least an hour a day to monitor the media for any reported riots, incidents of cannibalism, or other unexplained events which could be tell-tale signs of the zombie apocalypse. Create your own warning system using fridge magnets and be sure to maintain it.

Zommes won’t be your unly enemy

Things are going to get crazy as the Army are overwhelmed. As society collapses and all vestiges of civilisation disintegrate, a whole new box of strangeness will open as the populace is replaced by groups of violent cannibals, crazed loners and power-hungry lunatics. Be ready to use your new hardman persona to scare off would-be attackers.

FRANKENSTEIN’S ARMY

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